Being a writer is pretty tricky. I’d like to think of us as magicians. We magically turn letters to words and words to poems. We make words come to life while giving the reader some sense of emotions. Anything can trigger inspiration while on the other hand, anything can trigger writers’ block. I find when I am doing the most thinking, I can write more without even pausing to think about what to write next. It just flows like a river.
Before creating this blog, I used to post my random thoughts, quotes, and poems on Tumblr account for years but I had forgotten my password. Last night, I was finally able to sign in. As I began reading my work, I couldn’t help but feel stunned. All the lost memories and lost words flashed back as i had never left them behind.
Ironically, I had named my Tumblr account ‘Soulless in the city’. I say ironically because I’ve been obsessed with souls since before I can remember and if anyone is soulful it’s me. The concept of souls had always appealed to me. The mystery of it all captivated my curious mind. Back then during my Tumblr era, I had still been in hiding even though my content was accessible for people to read. The fact that I didn’t have many followers gave me a sense of comfort to release my rigid thoughts. At the time I had been going through a period of sadness where I then thought I had identified with the phrase soulless in the city. Looking back at the evolution of my soul growth I was far from soulless. It was so much easier for me to write freely than as my emotions were explosive. I couldn’t manage my emotions without putting them on paper. In the years that followed, I stopped writing for a very long time as I hadn’t known how to right sappy lines without feeling sappy. I had found myself in a place of peace and happiness which made it hard to write anything. I went through a drought for a few years then one day it all came back to me. I soon learned that I hadn’t lost my touch, I just needed time to channel this sense of emotion to write. Like a fire pit, just a little bit of fire to light the pit.
When I decided on the name of this blog I contemplated flipping my Tumblr name which would have been ‘Soul in the city’. I felt something was missing and I wasn’t sold on the idea. I am so glad I didn’t follow through with that name for my blog. It wouldn’t have captured the essence of what I wanted to create. Soulless was a phase I had gone through that allowed me to spill my bits of darkness. On the flip side Polish the Soul has allowed me to spill bits of light. The light I hadn’t thought much about until I began researching the universe. The girl I was then and the woman I am today, worlds apart. She slept in darkness and this woman sleeps in light. Trust me, I am a mix of light and dark but my light outweighs my darkness. I’m a magical woman!
Polish The Soul xx
Yes, it’s my body and your image is not my body image. Body shammers need to wrap that around their heads. I’ll repeat it again. What you see in my body is your perception, your image of my body. It is my body and what you see is not my reality. If you constantly hear the same negative things, it’ll get to a point where it hurts so much. As woman we are constantly hearing comments about our bodies positive and negative. Sometimes you just want to mush someone’s face in a wall because they seem not to know how to speak accordingly.
For those of you who have never met and do not know me, I am an extremely petite woman. Hence my Instagram handle, petite brunette. I have always been. I have been tiny since birth. As I grew into my body from elementary school and up, I began to grow a complex on my very small frame. I constantly heard people tell me how skinny I was. Everything I have ever heard about my body by others:
- “Did you eat?”
- “Are you hungry?”
- “You look like you need a burger!”
- “Why are you so skinny?”
- “You don’t eat a lot right?”
- “That’s why you are so skinny, you don’t eat.”
- “That’s all you’re going to eat.”
- “Why are you working out? You don’t need to.”
- “You can’t afford to lose any weight.”
- “You anorexic b**ch!”
No! I am not anorexic. I certainly don’t starve myself. In fact, I eat multiple times a day. I don’t calorie count. I eat whatever I want when I want. I don’t restrict myself when it comes to eating. How should a person feel hearing things like that? I never understood why my body affects others. I am just naturally thin with a flat athletic looking stomach which I inherited from my parents. My mom is thick and short in contrast my dad is tall and thin. I am a mixture of the both of them. Growing up I had the hardest time trying to understand why I hadn’t inherited my mom’s curvy body type. Just imagine a traditional body type for a Latin woman. Exactly… Chances are you imagined a thick curvy goddess. That was hard to internalize. I often thought I didn’t embody a Latina because I am not as curvy. Don’t get me wrong, I do have curves but my curves go with my small frame. No, I don’t have hips that lie like Shakira but I have a little something something.
Let’s not even get into my experience shopping for clothes. I am not sure why retailers carry a limited supply of petite sizes in store. Whenever I ask for more the sales associate says “You can try online.” Why are our choices so limited? Petite woman actually exist in real life. I have a terrible time at certain stores when trying on jeans. Some retailers have jeans that are oversized. In some places a size 1 is huge and while in others a size 1 is perfect. I tend to stick to H&M, Zara and Gap for jeans because they flatter my body. The jeans in those stores actually run small which I enjoy. When shopping for going out body-con dresses, I second guess if I should purchase because the model pictured is ‘thick’. I often worry if the dress will fit how I want it to fit. I typically shop online to find smaller sizes than going to a store and being disappointed. I also hate going into fitting rooms and trying clothes on that weren’t designed for my body type. It is often annoying to waste time trying on clothes.
Middle school was tough for me, my closest friends and peers were always ‘thicker’ than me and were fully developed from the back and front. I was always the friend with the small boobs and the small booty. During that age I watched boys make passes at the girls that were fully developed. As I got older I realized middle school boys are pretty shallow. They always chose the girls who had the biggest boobs and booty. I got used to just blending in and not being noticed by my peers. In high school, I grew to become extremely irritated by skinny comments. I began correcting the ignorance. “I am petite not skinny. I am thin and short, that makes me petite. This one boy said “you’re so skinny.” I replied “if you wouldn’t tell an overweight person that they’re so fat then don’t say that to me. That’s rude.” He had nothing else to say. Just because you’re changing the word fat for skinny doesn’t make a difference. It is still rude and it is none of your business whether I’m skin and bones or skin and rolls. As an adult I have become so much more comfortable with my size. It doesn’t matter how big or small a woman may be we can still to be self-conscious about our bodies. Some woman believe thinner woman shouldn’t have any because they’re thin. Just because we’re thin doesn’t exempt us from being self-conscious.
Honestly, I am just waiting for petite woman to come back into style. I recently, gained a few pounds and I am elated. I had tried for years but was unsuccessful. A lot my jeans from high school that I saved fit like a glove now. You don’t know how amazing that feels. I am open to gaining a few more pounds but wouldn’t want to completely lose my small frame. After years of dreading it, I love it now. I am great at hide and seek, I fit anywhere.
What’s your body type? How have you been shammed?
Polish The Soul