I have become more of myself than I have ever been before. While trying to conceal my deepest desire to be a writer, I thought I could still be true to myself and take on another journey that didn’t involve writing as my profession. The reason I hid this piece of my life was simply that I didn’t want to release the emotional version of myself. I always believed I had to differentiate from ‘me’ and my emotions. I never wanted people to know how passionate and emotional I am. As if it were a defect. In these last few months, I have changed so much and evolved. I’ve learned to let go of the invisible steering wheel in my life little by little. As some like to say “Jesus, take the wheel!” It hasn’t been an easy road to follow but the more I discover things about life and love, the more I feel connected with myself on a spiritual level. I’ve even decided to detach myself from outcomes. I am winging it through life from here on out because I know GOD has me. I finally submitted my grad school application for Creative Writing programs. I have no idea what I’ll do once I finish my degree. I just know I’ve been called to follow this hunch. My soul feels at peace with this decision I have made. I am positive I will encounter life-changing people/situations while working on my MFA. I am open to refining my craft and learning more about the field.
My journey has been scripted since before my birth. No matter where I end up, I know I will be going in the direction I was intended to go on. My heart fills calm and light as I embark on this new professional venture. Yes, I feel a tiny bit anxious but that is ok. I am willing to give it to God to hold on to for me. I hope he has a huge reusable shopping bag to hold all my fears. I feel like a basketball player just tossing up my fears like a basketball. God is certainly a great catcher! Allow God to catch your fears and empty your shopping bag of burdens. If you don’t identify with God, that is ok. Just adjust to whom you identify with. Just know there is a higher power guiding you through your fears and bringing you to light.
Often, I take conversations I have had with people in my life or advice I have given and include what has resonated with me on my blog posts. This post isn’t as different. Surprise! Lol.
Last night, I spent a good deal of my evening after getting home from work speaking with my mom about life and perspective. The topic of forgiveness was mentioned and it sparked something in my head. These last few months the topic of forgiveness has come up several times and I have been pondering the idea of forgiveness. I have spoken to God and have asked him “How do I forgive?” At the time I hadn’t realized the depth of forgiveness until last night.
The reason many don’t forgive is because we aren’t conditioned to forgive. I honestly, don’t believe I know how to really forgive. How to let go of emotional damage that has caused me to harbor feeling towards a situation/person. At what point have we really learned how to forgive people and situations? Apologizing to someone is one thing but actually forgiving the person is a completely different issue. We were conditioned to love but weren’t conditioned to forgive one another. Love is something that we are just born knowing how to do in most cases. Babies are born with an attachment to their mother and adapt to their environment in some cases that environment is love. So… If we are conditioned to love from birth, how are we incapable to forgive through love? Love is the answer to many of our problems. It makes the world go round and it makes us whole. To be loved and give love is something out of this world.
Many have ‘demons’ they battle on a daily and oddly enough, love has this way of depowering the negativity in our lives. Forgiveness is often a tough and gigantic pill to swallow but it must be done eventually. Resentment grows like a tumor in the body. An emotion as powerful as resentment is hazardous and debilitating. We are all chess pieces in this game called ‘life’. Our lives have already been scripted by God. Although our actions are often shameful, painful and despicable we were designed to play specific roles in each other’s lives. We may not agree with the roles others play in our life but we must accept and choose. Choose to resent them or forgive them. The thing about forgiveness is… it doesn’t mean that what was done to you is acceptable. Forgiveness is more of an internal thing. I like to think of it as a ‘selfish’ decision. The selfish decision to release yourself of that resentment you harbor. It is beneficial for your soul’s sanity to let certain things go.
I began this blog post still a bit confused on how to forgive. I somehow managed to figure some of it out writing this. Ironically. Forgiveness is a process and it is something we aren’t born knowing how to do. It takes much discovery to figure this out. It takes soul searching and empathizing with humanity to understand the bigger picture. There is a bigger picture to everything we experience. As I said, we are playing the roles we were destined to play. Our actions are bigger than our beings. We cannot always explain why we do the things we do. Some of us don’t deserve to be forgiven for the things we have done but we must forgive, we deserve inner peace. Take this as a token of forgiveness. This is the start to the journey of unlearning. A part of me still seeks wisdom in regards to genuinely forgiving and letting go. What is forgiven is not forgotten….
Yes, it’s my body and your image is not my body image. Body shammers need to wrap that around their heads. I’ll repeat it again. What you see in my body is your perception, your image of my body. It is my body and what you see is not my reality. If you constantly hear the same negative things, it’ll get to a point where it hurts so much. As woman we are constantly hearing comments about our bodies positive and negative. Sometimes you just want to mush someone’s face in a wall because they seem not to know how to speak accordingly.
For those of you who have never met and do not know me, I am an extremely petite woman. Hence my Instagram handle, petite brunette. I have always been. I have been tiny since birth. As I grew into my body from elementary school and up, I began to grow a complex on my very small frame. I constantly heard people tell me how skinny I was. Everything I have ever heard about my body by others:
“Did you eat?”
“Are you hungry?”
“You look like you need a burger!”
“Why are you so skinny?”
“You don’t eat a lot right?”
“That’s why you are so skinny, you don’t eat.”
“That’s all you’re going to eat.”
“Why are you working out? You don’t need to.”
“You can’t afford to lose any weight.”
“You anorexic b**ch!”
No! I am not anorexic. I certainly don’t starve myself. In fact, I eat multiple times a day. I don’t calorie count. I eat whatever I want when I want. I don’t restrict myself when it comes to eating. How should a person feel hearing things like that? I never understood why my body affects others. I am just naturally thin with a flat athletic looking stomach which I inherited from my parents. My mom is thick and short in contrast my dad is tall and thin. I am a mixture of the both of them. Growing up I had the hardest time trying to understand why I hadn’t inherited my mom’s curvy body type. Just imagine a traditional body type for a Latin woman. Exactly… Chances are you imagined a thick curvy goddess. That was hard to internalize. I often thought I didn’t embody a Latina because I am not as curvy. Don’t get me wrong, I do have curves but my curves go with my small frame. No, I don’t have hips that lie like Shakira but I have a little something something.
Let’s not even get into my experience shopping for clothes. I am not sure why retailers carry a limited supply of petite sizes in store. Whenever I ask for more the sales associate says “You can try online.” Why are our choices so limited? Petite woman actually exist in real life. I have a terrible time at certain stores when trying on jeans. Some retailers have jeans that are oversized. In some places a size 1 is huge and while in others a size 1 is perfect. I tend to stick to H&M, Zara and Gap for jeans because they flatter my body. The jeans in those stores actually run small which I enjoy. When shopping for going out body-con dresses, I second guess if I should purchase because the model pictured is ‘thick’. I often worry if the dress will fit how I want it to fit. I typically shop online to find smaller sizes than going to a store and being disappointed. I also hate going into fitting rooms and trying clothes on that weren’t designed for my body type. It is often annoying to waste time trying on clothes.
Middle school was tough for me, my closest friends and peers were always ‘thicker’ than me and were fully developed from the back and front. I was always the friend with the small boobs and the small booty. During that age I watched boys make passes at the girls that were fully developed. As I got older I realized middle school boys are pretty shallow. They always chose the girls who had the biggest boobs and booty. I got used to just blending in and not being noticed by my peers. In high school, I grew to become extremely irritated by skinny comments. I began correcting the ignorance. “I am petite not skinny. I am thin and short, that makes me petite. This one boy said “you’re so skinny.” I replied “if you wouldn’t tell an overweight person that they’re so fat then don’t say that to me. That’s rude.” He had nothing else to say. Just because you’re changing the word fat for skinny doesn’t make a difference. It is still rude and it is none of your business whether I’m skin and bones or skin and rolls. As an adult I have become so much more comfortable with my size. It doesn’t matter how big or small a woman may be we can still to be self-conscious about our bodies. Some woman believe thinner woman shouldn’t have any because they’re thin. Just because we’re thin doesn’t exempt us from being self-conscious.
Honestly, I am just waiting for petite woman to come back into style. I recently, gained a few pounds and I am elated. I had tried for years but was unsuccessful. A lot my jeans from high school that I saved fit like a glove now. You don’t know how amazing that feels. I am open to gaining a few more pounds but wouldn’t want to completely lose my small frame. After years of dreading it, I love it now. I am great at hide and seek, I fit anywhere.
In life we spend most of our time doing what we don’t want to do. Like going to work five days a week, going to funerals or even going on terrible dates. Truth is we don’t really spend our time doing what we truly enjoy. That is the saddest reality. What are the things that make your soul happy?
I know I am no pudding cup either. I do things all the time that I don’t enjoy. I wake up every weekday at 5am for a “career” that isn’t mine. Meaning…. this isn’t my bus stop. I’m waiting for the next express bus to my dreams. The benefits are great but what do I gain besides the benefits and the good pay? I don’t feel like I am doing something meaningful. I want to do something that sets my soul on fire. We are hardwired to find good paying jobs with security. Why…? Why do we subject ourselves to such things? Many of us have hidden talents that we place on a dusty book shelf in the back of our minds. What I’m trying to say is… Dust that f*@king book off and show the world what you got. We weren’t given these gifts to share them with ourselves only. For us to keep these gifts under wraps would be selfish. For those of you who believe in a higher power, why would God place these gifts in your hands to do nothing with? How do you think these professional athletes rise to stardom? They make themselves aware of their gifts and execute a plan to do something with it. I know it’s easier said than done but know the only difference between them and you is faith. Faith can take you a long way. Have faith in your abilities, have the faith to believe you can make it to where you desire.
I’m learning as we speak how to care for my soul also. I have spent these last few years trying to figure out what career path to choose. I changed my major way too many times which would make sense why it took me two years longer to finally finish. At times I felt defeated because I didn’t know what I wanted to do next. I felt ridiculous not knowing what to do because if I didn’t know who would?! Deep down I always wanted to be a writer since I was a kid. I loved writing poetry. I remember creating a children’s book for my baby sister. Imagine a 6th grader writing a children’s book. I never paid much attention to those intricate details. It was almost as if I suppressed my abilities. It wasn’t till I finished my undergrad program that I began frantically thinking of all the possibilities. I thought I wanted to be a occupational therapist, speech therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, nurse and even a teacher. Little by little I realized I had to pass on them all because I had a feeling of uncertainty. I knew in my heart those careers weren’t mine. I spent many months feeling stressed and full of anxiety. It wasn’t till I began praying to find my purpose and started reading self help books that I realized my true place in this world. I was made to be a writer. Every single cell in my body was put together to create a writer. You guys are probably wondering why it took me so long to cut to the chase. The reason why I didn’t cut to the chase was because I wanted you guys to understand my struggle. I wanted you guys to feel my struggle. This may not resonate with everyone but I want those of you reading to think about your decisions in life. I want you all to realize what I recently realized myself. Some of you are probably saying in your heads “It’s too late for me. My ship has sailed.” but hunny this is only the beginning. Think of it like this… Your life has suddenly reset. The clock was just reset. Start life over and start doing sh*t that floats your boat.
Young parents who have suddenly found their nests empty and never had the chance to explore? Go explore the world. Try new things. It’s your time.
Childless woman who never found the “perfect” man to conceive with? Time is on your side. Look into adoption. Look into a donor.
Wall Street exec running from his passion to be an artist? Go f*#king paint something man. Ignore every single soul who told you “you can’t be an artist.”
Screw everyone who ever told you that you couldn’t do something. Do what you have to do to feed your soul.
Sometimes I wonder what did I do to deserve a love as beautiful as this one and then I circle back and answer my own mystery. If I could be modest enough to ask what did I do to deserve something so beautiful, warm and angelic than I am worthy of something as special as you.
You make me feel like I’m home even if I’m not home but that’s what you are for my soul. A home… Love is so complex. Too complex to explain but all I can say is when I think of you… you provoke so much emotion within me. I shed a few tears writing this just thinking soul deep about you.
I don’t understand all the mysteries of the universe and I don’t have no idea how I was sent someone identical to my imagination. I always imagined finding someone like you. I just never knew what your face would look like until the day we met in April but your soul….. I have always known. Your soul was a mystery to me until you began to unravel and unveil your wings.