It feels like eternity since I wrote my last post. I’ve been in an interesting place. I’ve been quarantined with anxiety, writer’s block, and lack of inspiration. I have been sitting wondering when I’d get rid of my funk but I had not realized that this entire time has been full of inspiring lessons. I have decided to use my truth as inspiration.
I had always felt wise beyond my time. Like I had been here time and time again. I truly never felt in-tune with my peers as a child. I fed off solitude where I could think freely and be me freely. I hadn’t found like-minded souls, at the time I wasn’t fully aware that was what I needed. As a child, I knew I had been here many times before. None of it had felt “new.” I knew I had a big role here in this lifetime. The idea of souls caught my interest at a very young age. I am not sure actually how old I was when I began my fixation on the concept of souls. My curiosity grew much thicker as I got older. I would spend time researching past lives and souls and writing poetry. I was a natural poet from about 4th grade. What I had not known then was all the poems I had written was my soul talking on paper. I thought to search for answers meant researching. When in reality the answers have always been inside of me. I had all I needed.
As a child, I spent a lot of my childhood scared of the shallows that lurked in the corner of my eye. I would see and feel the presence of things beyond this realm in my childhood apartment. I would always see a man wearing a top hat standing in the foyer of my home. He didn’t have much of a face. He revealed himself as a shadowy figure. I had always thought I had imagined him and quite frankly I thought I was exaggerating the fact that he was would wear his top hat every time I saw him. It had become apparent that there was more than one spirit in my home. I remember crying one day as I sorted my laundry. I kept going through the laundry but kept my eyes on the door; I could feel the presence of something watching me. I unconsciously shut the door to the other side out of fear. I stopped paying attention and went on with life.
Until I was a freshman in college and I had recently lost a maternal cousin. I couldn’t attend his burial due to my school obligations, I had a big exam around the time of his death. A few weeks after his burial, I remember so vividly spending time with some of my family members. We had been drinking and as I realized I had reached my limit… I laid back in bed and closed my eyes; my head was spinning like a carousel. Then, an image of my cousin wearing a navy blue suit appeared in my line of sight. He was simply standing in front of a larger than life dark wooden door. He was simply standing in front of the door just looking at me. I opened my eyes in confusion and shared with my family what I had just experienced. I left out the tiny detail of the color of his suit. The memory of that sighting became a thing of the past until years later in the midst of a conversation I had asked my mom what he had been buried in out of curiosity and she said in a Navy blue suit. I couldn’t believe it; I hadn’t attended his service. I had no way of knowing what he had been wearing. He appeared to me in a navy blue suit years before. Many years have passed since that evening and I can still imagine the image of him in my head.
Within the last four years, I had begun to experience things more frequently, seeing and hearing things beyond this realm. I normally, toss and turn through the night as a result of the chatter and feeling a presence in my bedroom. A few years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and glanced in the direction of my bedroom door, and I witnessed the shadow of a small angelic like figure staring at me from the edge of my bedroom door. I remember the white dress and wings sticking out beside her as she looked into my room. Since that evening, I have tried to avoid looking at the entryway of my room out of fear.
I have been spooked many nights which have caused me to jump in my mom’s bed. In my head, I feel safer sleeping with someone else on those difficult nights. One night, in particular, I had run away from my room and found refugee in my mom’s room. Just my luck… As I dozed off and had finally gotten comfortable enough to fall in a deep sleep. I heard a “shhh.” I woke up instantly, looked over at my mom, and saw that she was out cold. That night I realized it didn’t matter where I slept and with whom. Now, it’s so “normal” but still fills me with so much fear.
A few months ago, while at work. I had been trying to channel my sister’s energy from a distance. I closed my eyes and tried to relax and imagine her. In the midst of trying to do so, the date January 2nd popped into my head. I immediately knew my sister’s friend who had passed away just a year before due to diabetic complications. I responded quickly and said his name. He said yes and as we began to talk briefly, he wanted to apologize to my sister for hurting her as she had taken his death pretty hard. I asked him if he had anything else to tell her. He replied.“window.” I replied.“window?”. He replied, “she’ll know what I mean.” I quickly grabbed my phone and texted my sister to ask what was her relation to a window and her friend. She couldn’t what he had meant. As the day had come to a close, I sat with her and we spoke our day and I shared with her my experience earlier in the day. She still hadn’t pieced together the message. A few minutes later, she storms into my room to share what he might have meant. On the anniversary of his death, she sat in front of her bedroom window and read him a letter she had written him, where she wrote I wonder if you’re ok and she had wondered if he had been there with her. In excitement, I told her that was the message, he was there. We went on with the evening and went to bed. The very next evening, My sister and I sat with our mom and told her about the message I had received. She was stunned! We ended the conversation, and my sister began to shuffle music on her phone. We often listen to 80s music and sing hopelessly. Time after Time by Cyndi Lauper, came on which is one of our favorites. I laid on my mom’s bed and began singing as usual. I normally sing the song without really paying attention. I sang “Watching through windows, you’re wondering if I am okay.” It took me a few seconds to catch that verse after singing the words. We were floored at what we had just heard. He used the song to confirm that he was there with her that night as she read the letter to him. That was such a magical moment for not only her but for myself. It was such a great feeling to have been able to share that message with her.
I don’t share with people this part of myself. I act as if it doesn’t exist. Lately, I have had the nudging feeling to finally let it out. To tell my truth. I had been avoiding it for months, out of fear of judgment. I knew deep down my spirit guides had been guiding me down this path. I still have so much work to do spiritually. In the last few months, I have read several books in hopes of helping me navigate my ability. Every day I learn more and more. This is not to say that I longer get startled when they come by at night. Last night was a pretty difficult night; I had to ask my little sister to sleep with me.
This is me. This is my truth!
Polish The Soul