forgiveness

As the full moon approaches this week, I feel an internal clock ticking softly to release all which I cannot control and everything that no longer serves me. Full moons are all about releasing and letting go. In the last 6 months I have encountered so much to let go of. Things deep in my past and things that are fresh in my memory. I spent the last year reevaluating myself, my life, my environment and priorities. In the midst of it all I found me and lost many things. The lost has brought me much relief but my heart still aches a bit at the thought of the “loss.”I am not referring to death. I am referring to cold connections and relationships.

I lost a part of myself and gained a new version of myself. For that I am eternally grateful to God, the universe and everyone who played a part in helping me shed the old me. I can’t say I miss her; she was doing an injustice to herself. Remaining small, fearful, anxious, negative and shameful was never the life I envisioned myself having. I released so much and still have much more to go. Life is a series of cycles. Beginnings and endings, something like chapters.

I “lost” relationships with not only myself but those in my environment. I use the word “lost” loosely here as I gained much more in return. I was able to release the things and people in my life which were holding me back from being the best version of myself.When I made the conscious decision to awaken spiritually, I had no idea really what to expect. Our prayers and intentions are answered in the strangest ways. I wasn’t expecting to “lose” relationships with people all because I was craving to grow in life.The more work I did internally, the larger the drift became. I prayed for peace, light, love and to let go of any darkness that has held me back and God did just that. He removed people from my life that didn’t have the best intentions for me, those whom have held me back and most importantly those who are surrounded by darkness.I don’t for a second question his decisions because I know where I am going not everyone can come. I have come to terms with that truth and reality. There is no room for darkness in my light. By darkness I am referring to jealousy, ego driven actions, fear, hate, negativity, gossip, toxicity, dishonesty, lack of self-love, self-hatred, stagnation, disconnect from the light and etc.

I can’t fill my own cup while trying to uplift or help others see the light of day. I can’t love myself if i’m absorbing the self-hatred of everyone around me. I can’t evolve spiritually if you hate the fact that I decided to better myself. I am not the light to anyone’s negativity.No, you cannot milk me for my light anymore. Why? Because I decided that I matter most and I deserve to feel lifted up rather than drained. I would have never woken up to these negative patterns had I didn’t begin my spiritual journey. Don’t get me wrong… I genuinely wish all that was “lost” love, light and happiness. In my heart, I hope they one day experience this feeling. The feeling of light, positivity and self-love that I feel at this moment. It truly is a beautiful feeling. The decision to shine on a light on your negative habits is not easy, but it’s worth it. I just cannot be the source of everyone’s light as we’re on different vibrational levels. Everyone has to be willing to do their own work. This isn’t a personal attack but a conscious decision to provide myself with things that empower and lift me.

The old version of me is gone! I gave myself a software update. My brain operates differently, my heart loves differently and my throat speaks differently. The biggest part of my journey has been allowing the walls around my heart to sink and practice compassion, forgiveness and unconditional love. It isn’t an easy thing to do, or lifestyle to implement but it is possible. I am not mad for the things I’ve lost or even the reasons or situations that led up to it. Saddened, yes… but that is a normal response because I think with my heart and not my head. As an empath, I am guilty of feeling too much but I am also guilty of thinking that part of myself was too much. I now realize that my sensitivity isn’t a burden but a blessing. Although I often accidently over absorb people’s energies and become overwhelmed just being around or speaking to them, I am grateful for this part of myself. When people become angry or exude negative emotions, when I am not properly prepared I become overwhelmed emotionally and physically. I get headaches from the emotions of others, and I become moody and drained. I have learned to choose my surroundings carefully. I quite honestly prefer to be alone with my own emotions and thoughts, which allows me to recharge and reconnect to my own emotions rather than the emotions that I picked up from people around me. Before learning how to navigate my empath nature I couldn’t identify the difference between my emotions and the emotions of others. I would walk around carrying around everyone’s burdens and couldn’t understand why I was always anxious for no reason. My body was on overload from all the external influences as well as my own.

I don’t know who needs to hear this… This is a sign to reevaluate your environment and take notice of the effects each and every single little thing has on you. You’re not required to remain loyal when the energy is toxic. You’re only required to be loyal to yourself.

Polish The Soul xx

Often, I take conversations I have had with people in my life or advice I have given and include what has resonated with me on my blog posts. This post isn’t as different. Surprise! Lol.

Last night, I spent a good deal of my evening after getting home from work speaking with my mom about life and perspective. The topic of forgiveness was mentioned and it sparked something in my head. These last few months the topic of forgiveness has come up several times and I have been pondering the idea of forgiveness. I have spoken to God and have asked him “How do I forgive?” At the time I hadn’t realized the depth of forgiveness until last night.

The reason many don’t forgive is because we aren’t conditioned to forgive. I honestly, don’t believe I know how to really forgive. How to let go of emotional damage that has caused me to harbor feeling towards a situation/person. At what point have we really learned how to forgive people and situations? Apologizing to someone is one thing but actually forgiving the person is a completely different issue. We were conditioned to love but weren’t conditioned to forgive one another. Love is something that we are just born knowing how to do in most cases. Babies are born with an attachment to their mother and adapt to their environment in some cases that environment is love. So… If we are conditioned to love from birth, how are we incapable to forgive through love? Love is the answer to many of our problems. It makes the world go round and it makes us whole. To be loved and give love is something out of this world.

Many have ‘demons’ they battle on a daily and oddly enough, love has this way of depowering the negativity in our lives. Forgiveness is often a tough and gigantic pill to swallow but it must be done eventually. Resentment grows like a tumor in the body. An emotion as powerful as resentment is hazardous and debilitating. We are all chess pieces in this game called ‘life’. Our lives have already been scripted by God. Although our actions are often shameful, painful and despicable we were designed to play specific roles in each other’s lives. We may not agree with the roles others play in our life but we must accept and choose. Choose to resent them or forgive them. The thing about forgiveness is… it doesn’t mean that what was done to you is acceptable. Forgiveness is more of an internal thing. I like to think of it as a ‘selfish’ decision. The selfish decision to release yourself of that resentment you harbor. It is beneficial for your soul’s sanity to let certain things go.

I began this blog post still a bit confused on how to forgive. I somehow managed to figure some of it out writing this. Ironically. Forgiveness is a process and it is something we aren’t born knowing how to do. It takes much discovery to figure this out. It takes soul searching and empathizing with humanity to understand the bigger picture. There is a bigger picture to everything we experience. As I said, we are playing the roles we were destined to play. Our actions are bigger than our beings. We cannot always explain why we do the things we do. Some of us don’t deserve to be forgiven for the things we have done but we must forgive, we deserve inner peace. Take this as a token of forgiveness. This is the start to the journey of unlearning. A part of me still seeks wisdom in regards to genuinely forgiving and letting go. What is forgiven is not forgotten….

Polish The Soul xx