faith – Polish The Soul

I’ve been a student for about 19 years, pretty much my whole life. Now that I’ve finished my undergrad degree, I feel as though I am going through withdrawal symptoms. It’s been about a 1 1/2 year since graduation. I often feel lost without the idea of being a student. I could always find comfort in being a student because that was all I knew. I started college the summer after High School. I did not have a chance to digest what it would be like without the obligation of having to attend school. I was Sasha, the student for a very long time. Now that I have lost that part of my identity it feels strange and unfamiliar. I took a year off from school to focus and center myself before pursuing graduate school. I had a hard time deciding what my next steps would be but luckily I came to my senses.I enjoy all the free time of not having to worry about assignments and studying but I miss school so much.

I recently took a leap of faith and put my creative work to the test. I applied to several Fine Arts graduate programs. I cannot stop thinking about going back! The idea of going back to school gives me a feeling of being home. Eventually, I will have to learn how to live without the identity of being a student and adapt to another but in the meantime, I am set on going back to school and finishing up with my goal of becoming a graduate student. A part of me wonders if I am just going back to feel that sense of comfort again or if I am really going because I want to learn more. My relationship with school is very similar to that of Stockholm syndrome. The concept of school has a tendency of holding me hostage and stressing me out but I love it so much I cannot be without it, no how matter how hard it beats me down.

In this last year, I have gotten cozy with anxiety and stress. We’ve cuddled nonstop all day and night. I’ve felt defeated, angry, frustrated and even hopeless. In the midst of these emotions, I forgot to let go of the steering wheel and allow the universe to guide me freely. I was so fixed on the outcome of the situation that I forgot to be mindful of the journey. I was deaf and blind to the lessons in between the setbacks. Don’t get me wrong… I still wig out and want to pull out all my hair from the frustration but I’m slowly learning how to surrender to situations that aren’t in my control.

As a young student, I had always believed I would be a college graduate and I had always imagined continuing on to receive a graduate degree. I had always dreamt of the day that I could walk across the stage and where a fancy graduate gown. Just to think back to then, I am so proud of how far I have come. Although college degrees shouldn’t define you and still come with headaches and struggles, I am still humbled by my path. I would have never expected the struggles I would face after graduating, I thought finding my place in life would be easier. I always knew getting a “good job” straight after college would be a challenging road but I didn’t think it would take such a toll on my sanity. I currently work for the Department of Education, I was hired 6 months after graduation. Most people would say that I have a pretty good job but in my heart, I don’t feel content. I know my heart is searching for where I belong and I don’t belong here. I am grateful for the experience I have been exposed to thus far but I have a sense that my time here will be ending soon. As this chapter closes a new one will begin with many more lessons. I am ready to continue my journey elsewhere with a heart full of gratitude.

Polish The Soul xx

I have become more of myself than I have ever been before. While trying to conceal my deepest desire to be a writer, I thought I could still be true to myself and take on another journey that didn’t involve writing as my profession. The reason I hid this piece of my life was simply that I didn’t want to release the emotional version of myself. I always believed I had to differentiate from ‘me’ and my emotions. I never wanted people to know how passionate and emotional I am. As if it were a defect. In these last few months, I have changed so much and evolved. I’ve learned to let go of the invisible steering wheel in my life little by little. As some like to say “Jesus, take the wheel!” It hasn’t been an easy road to follow but the more I discover things about life and love, the more I feel connected with myself on a spiritual level. I’ve even decided to detach myself from outcomes. I am winging it through life from here on out because I know GOD has me. I finally submitted my grad school application for Creative Writing programs. I have no idea what I’ll do once I finish my degree. I just know I’ve been called to follow this hunch. My soul feels at peace with this decision I have made. I am positive I will encounter life-changing people/situations while working on my MFA. I am open to refining my craft and learning more about the field.

My journey has been scripted since before my birth. No matter where I end up, I know I will be going in the direction I was intended to go on. My heart fills calm and light as I embark on this new professional venture. Yes, I feel a tiny bit anxious but that is ok. I am willing to give it to God to hold on to for me. I hope he has a huge reusable shopping bag to hold all my fears. I feel like a basketball player just tossing up my fears like a basketball. God is certainly a great catcher! Allow God to catch your fears and empty your shopping bag of burdens. If you don’t identify with God, that is ok. Just adjust to whom you identify with. Just know there is a higher power guiding you through your fears and bringing you to light.

Polish The Soul xx