change – Polish The Soul

As the full moon approaches this week, I feel an internal clock ticking softly to release all which I cannot control and everything that no longer serves me. Full moons are all about releasing and letting go. In the last 6 months I have encountered so much to let go of. Things deep in my past and things that are fresh in my memory. I spent the last year reevaluating myself, my life, my environment and priorities. In the midst of it all I found me and lost many things. The lost has brought me much relief but my heart still aches a bit at the thought of the “loss.”I am not referring to death. I am referring to cold connections and relationships.

I lost a part of myself and gained a new version of myself. For that I am eternally grateful to God, the universe and everyone who played a part in helping me shed the old me. I can’t say I miss her; she was doing an injustice to herself. Remaining small, fearful, anxious, negative and shameful was never the life I envisioned myself having. I released so much and still have much more to go. Life is a series of cycles. Beginnings and endings, something like chapters.

I “lost” relationships with not only myself but those in my environment. I use the word “lost” loosely here as I gained much more in return. I was able to release the things and people in my life which were holding me back from being the best version of myself.When I made the conscious decision to awaken spiritually, I had no idea really what to expect. Our prayers and intentions are answered in the strangest ways. I wasn’t expecting to “lose” relationships with people all because I was craving to grow in life.The more work I did internally, the larger the drift became. I prayed for peace, light, love and to let go of any darkness that has held me back and God did just that. He removed people from my life that didn’t have the best intentions for me, those whom have held me back and most importantly those who are surrounded by darkness.I don’t for a second question his decisions because I know where I am going not everyone can come. I have come to terms with that truth and reality. There is no room for darkness in my light. By darkness I am referring to jealousy, ego driven actions, fear, hate, negativity, gossip, toxicity, dishonesty, lack of self-love, self-hatred, stagnation, disconnect from the light and etc.

I can’t fill my own cup while trying to uplift or help others see the light of day. I can’t love myself if i’m absorbing the self-hatred of everyone around me. I can’t evolve spiritually if you hate the fact that I decided to better myself. I am not the light to anyone’s negativity.No, you cannot milk me for my light anymore. Why? Because I decided that I matter most and I deserve to feel lifted up rather than drained. I would have never woken up to these negative patterns had I didn’t begin my spiritual journey. Don’t get me wrong… I genuinely wish all that was “lost” love, light and happiness. In my heart, I hope they one day experience this feeling. The feeling of light, positivity and self-love that I feel at this moment. It truly is a beautiful feeling. The decision to shine on a light on your negative habits is not easy, but it’s worth it. I just cannot be the source of everyone’s light as we’re on different vibrational levels. Everyone has to be willing to do their own work. This isn’t a personal attack but a conscious decision to provide myself with things that empower and lift me.

The old version of me is gone! I gave myself a software update. My brain operates differently, my heart loves differently and my throat speaks differently. The biggest part of my journey has been allowing the walls around my heart to sink and practice compassion, forgiveness and unconditional love. It isn’t an easy thing to do, or lifestyle to implement but it is possible. I am not mad for the things I’ve lost or even the reasons or situations that led up to it. Saddened, yes… but that is a normal response because I think with my heart and not my head. As an empath, I am guilty of feeling too much but I am also guilty of thinking that part of myself was too much. I now realize that my sensitivity isn’t a burden but a blessing. Although I often accidently over absorb people’s energies and become overwhelmed just being around or speaking to them, I am grateful for this part of myself. When people become angry or exude negative emotions, when I am not properly prepared I become overwhelmed emotionally and physically. I get headaches from the emotions of others, and I become moody and drained. I have learned to choose my surroundings carefully. I quite honestly prefer to be alone with my own emotions and thoughts, which allows me to recharge and reconnect to my own emotions rather than the emotions that I picked up from people around me. Before learning how to navigate my empath nature I couldn’t identify the difference between my emotions and the emotions of others. I would walk around carrying around everyone’s burdens and couldn’t understand why I was always anxious for no reason. My body was on overload from all the external influences as well as my own.

I don’t know who needs to hear this… This is a sign to reevaluate your environment and take notice of the effects each and every single little thing has on you. You’re not required to remain loyal when the energy is toxic. You’re only required to be loyal to yourself.

Polish The Soul xx

Discovering what I was capable of and trusting it was a huge task for me. I in a sense feared who I am because I couldn’t understand it. I felt honored to have been given this gift but at the same time I couldn’t shake the fear of it all. When I decided to move forward and honor my truth, I was convinced I could help others find solace as a conduit for the other side. I had not thought about the healing I would experience for myself, just by standing up and leading despite my reservations. I found healing when I was not looking for it, I developed a relationship with my grandmother whom I had not known much when she was alive.

I lost my paternal grandmother four years ago. Ironically, on the 1st of November. 111 is a highly spiritual number and is linked to our spiritual awakening journey. Reminding us to pay attention to signs that the Universe is supporting our journey. Our job is to tune in and try to decipher the signs. 111 tells us not to be afraid to follow our intuition and trust the guidance we receive.

Growing up I had not felt much of a connection to her. I lived in the states, and she lived in the Dominican Republic. There were barriers all around our relationship. As a kid I didn’t care much for learning how to speak Spanish to be able to communicate with relatives. In my lifetime I could count on my fingers the amount of times I got to see her. She didn’t talk much, and we didn’t speak much over the phone. As I got old enough to understand the differences, I felt between my paternal and maternal grandmother; I realized we didn’t have much of a connection in comparison to the connection I had with my maternal grandma. We laughed, we joked and I knew how to identify her forms of affection. I never had that pleasure with my paternal grandmother.

When she passed I was a little confused as what to feel. I was sad, I cried at her funeral and can still hear the sounds of the hammers hammering into her casket to protect her casket from being stolen. In many cemeteries in the Dominican Republic, thieves come in and steal the caskets and remove the corpses to resell the caskets. It’s devastating to even imagine.The knocking sounds that was impeded into my memory is quite disturbing. As the months after her death began to pass, I began to notice my connection to the other side heightening again as it did years ago. At the time I didn’t correlate the connection to my grandmother at all. I was certain it was another spirit; I created a relationship with as I was deeply affected by her death as it home for me personally. I began to see white butterflies everywhere; my heart just couldn’t allow me to fathom the idea that it could have been my grandma. I figured she wouldn’t be the one making contact because we just did not have a “deep connection.” It wasn’t until about a year ago that I finally crawled out of the rock I was living under. I had an aha moment in which made me re-evaluate some of the signs I was seeing over and over again. I had begun seeing “111” and “624” more often than ever. I sat back and realized she had passed on 11/1, and I had grown up believing her birthday was 6/24. The signs were all there, I was just too blind to see them. Perhaps the pain I felt, placed a blindfold over my eyes. She passed away, and our stale connection was sealed forever, or so I thought. I believed she did not love me, because I did not feel her efforts to communicate with me which saddened me deeply. Creating some sort of void in my heart.

As I began exploring my ability to connect with spirit, I found myself in a meditative state in which I encountered my grandmas spirit. She appeared to me as splash of yellow. As her yellow silhouette approached my minds eye, my intuition automatically made me think of her. At the time I still had trouble trusting my intuition. So, I asked for her to validate my feeling. I asked for her to hold my hand.A few minutes later, I felt tingling kind of sensation on my left hand. It did not take me a long time to realize that was the sign I had asked for. I felt so full of emotion. I began to cry in the middle of my mediation; I just couldn’t control my emotions. I don’t know how else to explain what it felt like. I just know I felt so overwhelmed with love. That was one of many encounters I shared with her which happens to be one of my favorites.

Two months ago I learned how to channel specific spirits and receive messages from them. I had done readings for those closest to me, just to practice. I had an intuitive nudge to channel my grandma. I had no idea what to expect.I just knew something told me that I should. So I did just that. Although, I had begun to communicate with her more often and opened myself up to receive those signs from her I still had an energetic blockage separating us. Of course I did not know that, but she knew that. She took that time to give me a profound message which I wasn’t expecting.

I opened up the mediation with the intention to receive what I needed to know for my highest good. Two months ago today, she gave me this message:

“Healing hurts and sometimes love does to unless you know how to love.Its like driving a car. You have to know how it operates. You have to know how love works. It works differently for everyone; my “car” was different. I had my own way of driving. I loved in my own way. I love you, and I am sorry for making you feel any less than that. My granddaughter, my son’s daughter… I hold you with me. Open your heart to forgive me, so you can feel me. Being on this side everything is different, I understand more.”

I felt a sense of relief after receiving this message. It was so profound. She was absolutely right. We hold those around us responsible for the way in which they “love us” without understanding that we all love differently. I spent so much time comparing my relationship with my maternal grandma to the relationship I had with my paternal grandma. I created a foundation of what a relationship between a granddaughter and grandmother should look like based on my experience with my maternal grandma. I created an illusion which separated me from love. My ego convinced me that the love wasn’t there because the connection was different. Now that I have learned to differentiate the differences between ego, illusions and love, I understand my faults as well. My body was powered by ego and not by love.Ego is messy. I don’t want to be powered by ego any longer. I want to be powered by love. I want to see the light in others, despite our differences and their inabilities to live up to my “expectations.”

I hope this blog post has helped you open your eyes just a bit more to love. I hope you take this as a sign to fix the relationships you have with the living and there is ample time to reconnect and heal with those who are no longer living. My grandma Amalia helped me see life differently, all the way from the other side and I cannot thank her enough for doing so. I can feel her with me as I open up my heart to you all. I know she must be incredibly proud right now and jumping for joy. I finally tied the lesson together she has been trying to teach me for about four years, all by speaking my truth and sharing this with you all.

Love is real. Love heals all.

Polish The Soul 🤍✨