On October 21st I looked my fears in the face and shoved it away. My fear of being seen, being the center of attention and being vulnerable. Ironically, I had been given the gift to heal with words but I hadn’t had the courage to heal myself. I secretly fear being heard because I lacked courage at times because I struggle to get my words out verbally. It isn’t because I have nothing to say. I have plenty to say on paper than those of which slip through my lips. I could write you a master piece within seconds and take an hour to unpack my mind verbally.
I’m a writer who fears being seen, heard and vulnerable. I am a writer who fears being seen, heard and vulnerable. I am a writer who wants to be seen, heard and vulnerable. I AM A WRITER WHO WANTS TO BE SEEN, HEARD AND VULNERABLE. I am ready to do something about it.
I am so scared to death of public speaking. Last night I walked on to a small stage in the back room of a bar. When I initially walked into the room, I was so happy to see that it was small and intimate. I had feared performing in front of a large audience. I remember thanking God for the small space. I sat alone for sometime until my family joined me. Mike, the director announced that I was coming on next. My nerves began to betray me. I realized I should have mediated prior to my performance because I was honestly freaking out. I repeated calming mantra’s in my head and held on to my white howlite crystal which is said to a calming stone. I walked up on stage and adjusted the mic, introduced myself to the crowd. I began reading my poem, my hands were shaking and voice was shaky. I sailed through the poem faster than I should have because I had designed the poem to be slow and thought provoking. Nonetheless, somewhere in between I blanked out. I could not remember if I had read certain parts of it. When I finished my poem I hugged my friend Katherine who was sitting right and center. I began to feel so many emotions. My eyes began to water a bit but I held back whirlwind of emotions. As I continued to hug Katherine, faintly in the background I heard my mom’s voice. I hugged her immediately after. To hear the loud applause was some sort of validation, I hadn’t realized I needed. While performing I heard the audiences reactions to my words. It was incredibly moving and freeing to release it. To release the gift I had kept contained all my life.
I shared the stage with three of my friends that I met at The Momentum Education Basic Workshop (as mentioned a few blog posts before). It was such an amazing experience to experience that moment with them as we’ve shared far more intimate moments with one another, made the entire much more intimate. Last night was magical! We supported one another, we clapped and we hugged. Just last month I was shared my biggest fear and desire with a room full of people I hadn’t known prior. I was so afraid of being a writing and it is also my biggest desire in this world. In just a month I have made so much headway. I have my new life long friends from Momentum to thank as they were my inspiration to get on the stage. I went from being this shy and voiceless woman to a poet with a voice. I used my voice. I was seen. I was vulnerable and I was heard. Last nights performance has brought so much clarity. I am clear that I am destined for greatness and I must continue pursuing my life purpose to change the lives of others with my words. I have the key to freedom.
When I signed up to initially perform, the subtotal for my performers ticket was $14.44. I took it as a clear sign from the universe. I couldn’t believe my eyes. In that moment I knew I had no choice, I had to participate. Thank you universe for showing up when I hadn’t known I needed it. I knew in my heart the universe had my back and I was being guided.
Lastly, I was so blessed to be able to share that moment with my family. Support can go a long way when you have people cheering you on from every angle. Everything is better when love is involved.
Polish The Soul xx